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An Unapologetic Skeptic

I do not think I've ever been in love. I have had feelings for people. Some fleeting, some more long standing. I don't really know what people mean when they say they are in love or that they love someone. I won't define my feelings as love. Cause for me love is something much much greater like it has to be. It can't be this easy or this tangible. I have seen, rather experienced, some people fall in love in a jiffy and some take their time.

Everyone who apparently knows me says that I'm scared. Afraid to admit I'm in love. But it's not that. It's just that I expect it to be something magnificent. Something beyond my imagination. Something larger than everything I have seen or felt so far. Which also explains why I don't believe it when someone says they love me. Cause it sounds all bullshit. Like yeah, sure you do until you decide you don't anymore. Fleeting feelings. I'm an unapologetic skeptic.

I imagine once I fall in love that would be it for me. I imagine it to be something so pure, something so beyond the mortal discrepancies, something so unaffected by the worldly pleasures or the lack of it, something indescribable, just something completely whole on its own without any possibility of being tarnished or changed. And this inadequate description is perhaps not even 1/10th of what I wish it to be, what I want it to be, what I imagine it to be.

Mind is such a dynamic place. One moment you're so close to someone you can't imagine life without them and the next you could be two strangers with a mere history. Which makes me wonder how significant is all of this? A thing is only as simple or complicated as you make it. A person is only as important as you allow him to be. Controlling the mind is an art. An art that I'm trying to master.
Expectations. Ah, another major killjoy in all of our lives. I think expectations break more relationships (and I just don't mean the romantic kind) than anything else. It's like a cycle.

                                                 Expect. Hope. Disappoint. Repeat.

I remember a someone telling me this, that things change in a cataclysmic way once expectations float in. And later in life, I've realized how very true that is. I'd a friend once. We used to be the best of friends. She expected something from me, and I wasn't able to meet up with that. And I expected something of her, and she wasn't able to stand up to it. We both were disappointed. Disappointment killed something in each of us. We are friends now but nothing will ever be the same. Actually, more like mere acquaintances now if I have to be really honest.

As we grow up, with each passing day there is a new lesson to learn. In the end, people will do what they want to do, what they have to do. It all comes down to priorities in the end. If you want to be happy, then makes yourself your priority. If you make someone a priority then be ready to disappointed cause somewhere deep down you expected them to do the same.

We all have an inbuilt mechanism of making excuses. Excuses for every mistake we make or don’t make. Excuses are like those math problems in school, where you climb 5m/min up the pole but fall down 3m/min at the same time. Excuses pull you down from the potential growth. But we all make excuses. Cause excuses are easy. Help with the guilt, help with the keeping the conscience apparently clean. Which is of no use, really. Cause what is the point of hiding the truth from yourself? If you are a bad person, at least admit it to yourself. Only then can you change for the better.

All along in school, we were taught the importance of being selfless. Being selfish is bad. Bla blah. But you have to be selfish. If you aren't then who is gonna care for you, but you? For the night is dark and full of terrors. And there is no night's watch. You're your own guard.

People are like floating bubbles, sometimes your circles may overlap and you are in each other's life. Some stay short, some stay longer. But separation is inevitable. Cause that’s the cardinal rule.

Life is too short for anger, hatred, violence, and all the negativity. Forgive for your own peace of mind. Forget to make up space in your mind.

Lastly, pessimism is the best. It will never disappoint you cause either you are always right or pleasantly surprised.

[All this cause winter is here and the wait is LONG. Also, the wall broke.]  


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