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Mindless Rant

Days like this when I feel like I'm going nowhere in life and basically I’m a waste of space and matter. Because days like this is where your best friend calls you and tells you that he is officially one of the top 20 students in the world and he is invited to be mentored by Harvard professors. Uh, sure does make you question your life decisions. I mean we both have the same roots, we were planted in the same soil, how come he became a Banyan Tree and me a Pumpkin plant? (Banyan Tree, just in case you're reading this then trust me I'm very proud of you [and super envious obviously] and this is just my mindless rant).

Just as I'm tunnelling deeper into this self-reprimanding mode, the voice of happiness (Haven't you saw 'Inside Out'?) tells me that I'm not as useless as I think I'm. It tells me, remember how you were depressed and how you managed to overcome that? And all by yourself for that matter. Hmm. True. I did that. But so what? Happiness says, well not a lot of people can do that.

It's true. I was depressed. Environment-induced depression, I call it. And oddly I realised I was depressed after I stopped being depressed. Which sort of makes sense if you think about it. Theory of Relativity. Duh!

Let me start from the beginning.

The Mirage Theory:

So you know HOW confusing it is when you're given choices? But you're not really given choices. Like after 10th grade, you've the choices of choosing science, commerce, or humanities. But if you're a good student you MUST choose science. Like it’s a cardinal rule. So you see you've the choice, but not really. It's like a mirage. They'll tell you taking science opens up options? Uhh. What options? When I said I want to take commerce and not science, my mental status was questioned. I'm not even kidding.

The Counsellor:

There is a dearth of good counsellors in India, I tell you. If I wanted to take commerce and not science, talking to that counsellor made me want to quit studying altogether. Yes, that guy is that good at what he does. Like seriously, if such are the psychologists in our country then I can understand why there is a social taboo regarding psychotherapy. Cause obviously no one wants to go to them or they'd just get worse. 5 mins into talking to him, I shut him off completely and let my mind wandered off to the foothills of Gangtok in my cute little hut.

The Hut in Gangtok:

So this had always been my escape plan. You know I imagined that with my 10th-grade skills the best thing I could become is a primary school teacher. So I'd run off to Gangtok, teach cute little kids, call this tiny hut my home, eat chicken momos, and well live happily ever after. Although, after a recent chat with my kid sister who happens to be in 5th grade, I realised I was far better even with my 10th-grade knowledge than half of her inept teachers.

Unfamiliar Environment:

I changed 3 schools, 2 cities, countless coaching institutes in 11th grade only to end up in the same school, where I was before. I realise I'd major adjustment issues. I'm a picky student. I don't like how most teachers teach. It is very rare to find a good teacher. I was lucky to find one. A good teacher is one who can accept when he/she is wrong. I remember having countless arguments with my Biology teacher. If you're a bio student you'd remember the 10% rule of energy. How from each source you could use only 10% of the energy.  Like if the sun has 10000 J of energy, plants can use and store 1000 J, herbivores will have 100 J, and carnivores will get only 10 J by eating the herbivores. I argued with her when she'd not given me marks in exam cause she thought I was wrong. But in fact, she was wrong. I'm glad she gave me the opportunity to prove myself right and she'd the grace to accept she was at fault.
Yes, I love science. I don't know why I wanted to take commerce. Perhaps, it was just a phase. A tantrum. Whatever. But I don't regret taking science. But the thing is why to give choices when you don't want us to choose.

Speaking of unfamiliar environment, my mum was afraid I would come back running from college. I almost did.

The Tenali Raman Story:

So one week into the college, I was crying, as usual, to go back home. Because I hated it there. My mum was like you can't always be like this. You pulled this stunt 2 years back when you changed schools. You only wanted to be a doctor. You only went there. You can't be so fickle. I told her I wasn’t fickle (okay, I am. But back then I thought otherwise.) but in fact, I was like Tenali Raman. So when I was a kid and we used to go to Pondicherry by train, we would cross Vijayanagram, and dad would tell me the story of Tenali Raman. So for those of you who don't know, Tenali Raman was this young boy who had meditated until he was graced by the presence of Mahakali and was given a boon - to choose to drink either the milk (which would give him infinite wealth) or curd (which would give him infinite knowledge). He was in a dilemma. He didn’t know which to choose. So he drank both. Mahakali was furious. But he explained to her that without tasting them how could he know which one he wanted.
That's what I told my mum. You can imagine her plight.

But luckily for her (and me), I didn't run away. I stuck to my choice of sorts. But now it seems I'm back to where I was. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know where I'm going. Moreover, I don't know what I want. Clueless as hell. And I look around and it's like everyone is moving, going somewhere while I'm just sitting here and scrolling down my Instagram feed and thinking of how I should be doing the countless important things and make my life worthwhile. The thing is guess one will always be uncertain. No matter how old we grow. 

And hence, this mindless rant.


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